Your Horoscope!

Your Birthday Today:
Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.


Sagittarius: Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.

Scorpio: You'll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.

Gemini: Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.

Capricorn: Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.

Cancer: Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just making toast.

Virgo: Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.

Taurus: Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.

Aries: It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.

Pisces: Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.

Aquarius: You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.

Libra: They say that you're going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don't worry: They are just a coat rack and hat.

Leo: Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.

thanks onion!