Hi, I'm Michael and i am a drug addict.

Well, not anymore. yep, i am finally done with anti-depressants. My 17 year addiction to prescription drugs is over. I'm no longer an insomniac. i no longer sleep in until 1pm like a piece of shit. I actually feel pretty good. i finally feel like i am in control and that i am not addicted to drugs. i don't know how many of you have taken anti-depressants but they seem to loose there effect after about 3 or 4 years which is ironic because that is about how long it takes for a generic to come out. Then you go to your psychiatrist he talks to you asks you how you are doing and then you say "i don't feel like my self anymore, i feel like the pills aren't working.." in which he replies "you know i got this great new prescription for you, you should try it out." then you become a zombie for the next fucking two or three months, and so continues the cycle.

the strange thing is, is that i have been on this cycle with all different types of meds. at one point i was diagnosed ADHD given Ritalin i went from being a normal size kid to pretty much going to looking like i was a Somali refugee seriously i looked bad. i started taking this when i was in fourth grade and it made me a fucking zombie. then i switched to Adderall when i was like 13 i took that for 2 years and i had headaches pretty much 5 times a week and would have two to three migraines a month, and all of this to keep me mellow. i also believe this a large reason why i didn't hit puberty until much later then i should have.

then sometime in when i was like 15 i switched to Prozac and that wiped me out for the next several months. then when i was like 17 i was put on another med in addition to this one and it has been the fucking course of me and has taken me 10 years to get off of this shit. Risperadal. that was the wurst shit of my life. I was seriously wiped the fuck out for like 2 years no lie. i gained a lot of weight back. But, this shit was horrible if i missed a morning dose i would seriously shake and my hands would tremor. all of this so i could be level. then as the years went on i started to develop muscle twitches and slight spasms in the hand and shit like that.

I definitely had a lot of shit happen to me in my early life before i turned five that i don't care to share, mainly because that would make this much longer...LMAO! I will say that the AD's served there purpose they numbed me from actually every having to deal with any of my problems.

That's all they ever really do is mask the real issues. I had a lot of issues that i needed to resolve and i still have a bunch, but you can't mask them with drugs of any kind. Everyone comes from a dysfunctional home. Everyone has a lot of shit wrong in there lives. Most everyone is looking for a way out of there lives in some form....reading, music, movies, dancing, writing, art, drinking, drugs that are legal and illegal and everyone does NEED some sort of escape from reality every now and then.

escaping from your lives is a great thing. i do it a lot when i listen to music. real talk...music and art have always been my real escape, i'm not that great at either but they are my real escape. The problem with AD's is that they become a sometimes permanent escape from your real issues. you really get to a point where you are high all the time especially in times when you shouldn't be. there times where you are so dazed on these pills that you honestly lose a part of you.

I feel like the AD's did help it's just that they should never be pitched to you like a long term solution to shit that is pretty much all mental and has to do with some experiences way back in your childhood in early life and your teens. AD's can be a great supplement to some SERIOUS THERAPY, not someone who is going to use you as a guinea pig of the latest hottest shit that he gets from phyzer.

I know that therapy can be great and necessary and a lot more people could use it. THERAPY is the answer and being self reflective and questioning yourself for all of the stupid things you do can be great. acknowledge that you have fucked up and that it is YOUR fault that XYZ happened and you have not taken control of your life. if you get fired from a job it is YOUR fault that you were late 5 days in a row shut the fuck up and keep it moving. Life isn't easy and never will be. If you want proof that life isn't easy listen to the Charlie Rose Interview with Warren Buffet, Warrens kids hate him...seriously. No one has it easy..no one, but the real message is....

don't numb yourself to life.

the ides of March.............

i've been really wondering what to write about for sometime. i just really haven't had much motivation to write about anything lately. i've been enjoying my photography and just really been in good spirits. I was actually having a really good day today as almost everyday. i went and measured some kids for tuxedos for there high school fashion shows. i got the kids very excited to be a part of the fashion show and letting them know what we would do for them.

then i thought....29 students in CPS (Chicago Public Schools for those of you who might not know) have been murdered this School year alone, and since September 2007 to December 2008 a total of 500+ students have been shot. I just wonder where are our heads at as a human race? a friend of mine here on facebook her father was shot multiple times for nonsense(as are all shootings). Please pray for her family, and i ask that you pray for the children and students of CPS so that they might live to go to school another year and graduate.

I sit here with a heavy heart wondering if me being critical of certain things of our youth is far less important then anything that they face on a daily basis. One of my young friends was a freshman at a high school here in CPS 4 years ago and was beaten so severely that he ended up in the hospital for a week, and there was no warrant for it either they just wanted to beat him up. he is a good kid that is in JROTC and third ranking in his unit. He graduates this year and will attend an army academy for schooling.

I think one thing that gets over looked is that there is far more going on in these kids lives then maybe i will ever understand. I can only sympathize with what they go through. it's just very sad that more IS NOT done about getting guns out of the City. More strict gun laws won't do shit, all of these weapons used in the streets are unregistered or are stolen. I begin to wonder if anything CAN be done.

In a conversation with one of my friends he said talking does nothing and i agree. Malcolm and Martin spoke of peace and were both both murdered with guns. He said SOMETHINGS got done but not enough. So, what can we do? I think the era of talking and trying to listen are over. I really feel like a new era of some Vigilante Comic Book hero shit might be the only answer anymore. I think some Boondock Saints approach to shit might be more beneficial, but prolly not.

i'm just at a loss of what to think of what can be done, and i am at a loss to think that the youth might just be lost.......